Tuesday 3 February 2015

Tuesday, 3 February 2015

Kepada Yang Setia Ditunggu...


Oh air mata,
mengapa kau mengalir,
membasahi kelopak mataku,
bagai hujan deras,
yang tiada kesudahannya,
saat diri ini tak mampu,
tak mampu nak hentikan kau?

Gara-gara bercinta,
hati ini pedih dan luka,
bagai dihiris beribu-ribu kali,
dengan pisau yang tajam matanya,
tanpa belas dan kasihan,
sehinggakan menjadi mustahil,
untukku kutip serpihan hati ini,
dan mencantumkannya semula,
agar hati ini kembali berdenyut,
seperti sebelum ini.

Adakah cinta itu yang menyakiti?
Atau mungkin aku yang salah,
bercinta dengan orang yang salah,
tapi cinta itu lahir tanpa paksaan kan?
lahir daripada hati yang ikhlas.
Mana mungkin aku mampu,
mengawal perasaan cinta padanya,
pada saat itu.

Entah mengapa perasaan cinta itu,
tak mengerti perbezaan kita;
tak mengerti hati dia mungkin milik orang lain;
tak mengerti kita tak ditakdirkan bersama;
tak mengerti jodoh itu bukan ditangannya.

Entah mengapa hati ini,
asyik kenangkan si dia,
tak mahu terima yang lain,
tak mahu menerima kenyataan,
tak mahu melepaskannya.

Tapi,
dia pernah berkata dulu,
ketika hati ini mulai mengenalnya,
yang sehingga kini terpahat di mindaku,
"kalau betul sayang, baik lepaskan"

Mengakui kebenaran katanya itu,
aku telahpun melepaskannya,
walaupun hati ini masih belum mampu,
melepaskannya sepenuhnya,
aku akan terus cuba,
memujuk hati ini agar melepaskannya,
demi kebaikan kita berdua,
demi kebahagiaannya.

Aku tiada hak atas dirinya,
tapi aku ada hak,
atas segala kenangan bersamanya,
segala perbalahan kecil kita,
segala perluahan hati kita,
segala perkongsian kita,
segala kemarahannya pada diri ini,
segala kebenciannya pada diri ini,
segala nasihatnya dan pujukannya.

Akan ku simpan semua kenangan itu,
terkunci kemas dalam hatiku ini,
buat selama-lamanya,
agar aku tidak kesunyian,
pabila aku memerlukan seorang di sisiku,
pabila aku tak dapat menanggung lagi
beban duniawi ini,
sebagai penemanku saat aku sudah beruban.

Akan ku harapkan yang terbaik untuknya,
Akan ku doakan kejayaannya,
Akan ku berkorban apa saja untuknya,
asalkan dia selamat dan bahagia,
asalkan dia tak sakit seperti aku sekarang.

Semoga cintaku ini dapat melindunginya.

Air mataku mengalir lagi,
Di saat ku menyaksikan permainan Tuhan ini,
Di saat ku sedar,
yang diri ini masih tidak faham,
dengan percaturan Yang Maha Mengetahui,
yang mencaturi hubungan aku dengan dia.








Sunday 7 December 2014

Sunday, 7 December 2014

          I'm at that point of life today that I've a strong feeling that I won't get married. Maybe because marriage is not in my fate. Probably that's why I've fallen in love with someone that I know will never fall in love with me back. Maybe this was all meant to be. Maybe there's no  Mr.Right in my life. Maybe I'm meant to be solitary my whole life. Maybe what Athira said is true that this life is my last life on this freaking painful Earth that so far has given me nothing but sorrow and pain. Sometimes I feel like I'm married to pain. The further I try to get away, the nearer I am to that. It's like it is tied to my heart waiting to stab my heart with a sharp knife every time I smile or giggle. Today I went to a book sale. I saw a book about astrology. I am a Virgo. Reading that book, I've realized a thing. Virgo means 'The Virgin'. There are two ways to define it. One is sexually virgin another means a woman who is independent and live a solitary life without depending on men. Maybe this is the definition of my life. I am 'The Virgin' in both ways. I've never gotten a father's love or any true love from any men. Anyways, I have decided that today onward, I'll never fall in love with anyone again. I've already given my love to him, the one and only. The one that is so different form me. The one I'm not suppose to love in the first place. I'm not hoping to get his love in return because now I'v accepted that my life is meant to be solitary. I'll always pray the best for him like he always ask to. He was a blessing to me. Those moments were such a blessing to me. I will cherish it my whole life. He was my first and will be my last. From now onward, I'll keep a distance from anyone around me. Coz now I fed up and I hate to say this but I give up. Thank you so much, life. Thank you very much. I image myself years from now being in some part of the world, alone. With no one by my side. And I would still be in contact with my family and some close friends from a far distance. Like he said, 'one-sided'. #SolitarySunday

Wednesday, 26 November 2014 (late post)

          If only I had the chance to say goodbye. The only thing said was "malam nie pukul 11.30, K7 tengok movie. Datanglah kalau nak". Hmm.... Memang saya nak sangat datang tapi tadi tak packing lagi. Rasa rugi sebab pergi macam tu je. Well at least this is not what I expected to be. We don't even talk anymore. After this, we may have no chance to even see each other anymore. Probably we will only look at each other by glancing without being noticed by each other. No more eye contact with you. I don't know what to do. I wanna love you so much but I know it will just hurt you. And it might spoil what we have. Although we don't have anything left, but there's still those thinking and staring and glancing at you. I don't wanna lose that. But well today was the last. Looking at you. I can't even cry to you anymore. Worse, I can't even tell you how I feel inside. Never mind, there was never a guarantee that this life is easy anyways. Remember when I first told you I loved you? I cried. Yup, I did. I cried when I realized I fell in love with you. Not because I don't want to but because I knew you would never feel the same inside. All I wish was us being together but even if we can't, I at least hoped for a proper goodbye. Unfortunately, I'm not fortunate enough to even have that. 

*Deep breath*

#WeepyWednesday

Friday 28 November 2014

Friday, 28 November 2014

Yay!! I've finally done with SPM!! Phew... there goes my one month of exams. I'm so glad it's over. Now, I'm free for 3 months. I currently have no idea what to do next. I feel so aimless, lifeless and lost. I'm so confused with things happening around me. I bet I'm not the only one have been in this situation before. Surely most of the Form 5s are feeling the same. Well that's about education line. On the other note, I and my other friends, Siew, Athira and Arathi planned a thing. We all wrote things we want to achieve in these 3 months before the SPM results is out on a piece of paper. Then, we took turns and read it out to each other. We improved each other's list until everyone was satisfied. The list included things such as taking driving license, learn cooking, read novels, learn dancing and doing house chores. Then, we all exchange the list with each other which means no one had their own list. We are now keeping the list. I'm keeping Athira's, Siew is keeping mine, Athira is keeping Siew's and Siew is also keeping Arathi's because Arathi might not attend the graduation. On graduation day, we will all check on each other according to the list to see who have done how much. We are yet to decide what will the person will most achievements get. This is gonna be so much fun! I can't wait for graduation day now. I better start accomplishing my list. All the best Siew, Arathi and Athira. May the odds be ever in your favour. #FancyFriday

Friday 5 September 2014

Friday, 5 September 2014

          I celebrated my 17th Birthday on the 23rd of August. It was a wonderful day. As expected, it rained on that day as it always rains on my birthday for years now. I went to Paradigm mall with my friends. My roommate, Siew spent me out that day. For the first time ever, I ate Subway and Burger King.
         I brought along my backpack as I was suppose to back home straight from there without going back to my hostel. I took the shutter bus from the mall to the Kelana Jaya LRT Station. I took the Putra train to Masjid Jamek. There, I took the Star train to Chan Sow Lin, where my mother works. My mum picked me up from the LRT station right after her work. And that's when it started to rain.
It was so far the furthest distance I traveled alone by road. Despite of the fact that I traveled by plane alone once before. 
         I am currently having my trials for SPM. It started on the 28th of August. It will end next week Friday and straight after that is school holidays!! Yay!!! One whole week!! I really really really can't wait for next week Friday. TBH, so far the trials sucks and now I'm in a state where I don't care anymore already. I'll just do whatever I can. I wonder if the teachers think we are machine...
         Hmmm.... I'm having headache now. My head hurts so bad. I just took Panadol and I think I'm gonna sleep soon. I still miss him thou. :/ #FreakyFriday

Monday 11 August 2014

Monday, 11 August 2014

I miss him!!! so much... I wish I could have him right next to me all the time...

Everyone around me that have someone special, that someone special loves them back. And that is the greatest feeling of all to know that the person you love, loves you back. They are just so lucky. But me, I love him. so much. yet, he doesn't.

Honestly, i agree love is blind. I don't even know how could I ever fall in love with him. He is different. totally different. He even have a different religion, different belief. Only God knows how it happened.

Well, we started of as friends. and we are still friends till now. never did move on because probably it was only me in love. not him. We use to chat on Facebook a lot. literally every night and sometimes some other times too. even holidays. even when he went overseas, and his internet sucks, we would still chat somehow.

But now, we both are going to take an important exam this year. around 80 days from now. and so now he deactivated everything. twitter, whatsapp and even facebook. He even downgraded his phone temporarily until the exams are over. When he decided to do so, he told me the first. I appreciate that he told me about his decision. But deep inside, my heart sank. totally.

And now I feel so empty and lonely without him. I miss the conversations. I miss the time when he supported me during my tough times. I miss all those little things he does. all those lame jokes he cracked. I miss everything about him.

But somehow there is like a battle between my heart and my brain. My brain says that he is different. he doesn't love me. He would never wanna accept me. Why would he anyway? But my heart keep hoping. Hoping for him to love back as much as I do. I tried to stop loving him but I literally failed.

Whenever I look at him, I keep falling for him. Anyone out there can help me? maybe suggest what I should do? Should I keep on hoping or just try to get over him? I will really appreciate your help. :) #HopefulMonday

Monday 9 June 2014

Monday, 9 June 2014

      I haven't been writing in this blog for months now. The last time I wrote it was for our English assignment given by En.Hasrul. I actually kind of forgotten that I have this blog but today when I was checking my email, I received an email notifying me that someone commented on one of my post. I clicked on it and went straight to my blog. Looking through my blog, I had the urge to write a post since I haven't been writing for a long time. The last time I wrote, I wrote in daily basis. But I don't think I'll be able to do that now. Probably  I'll start posting weekly or once in every fortnight. In the last post, I've mentioned about my finals. I got number 11 in the form and got the Deen's award for the finals. I was very happy and so were my close ones. I just sat for my mid-term examination. The results will be out in another 2 weeks time. I hope to do well this time too. I am currently having a two week break from school. but this is the last week of the holidays. I'll be back to hostel by this Sunday. I'll miss home for sure... 
      Anyways, many of my schoolmates are currently involved in programs held abroad. Some went to Singapore and four of them are currently in Saudi Arabia for a camp. They must be having a lot of fun. I used to be so addicted to Facebook as I would always chat with a friend of mine almost every night. But since he is not here currently, I've realized that I am now very less online on Facebook. Okay, this is random but I just wanted to let it out anyway. :)
      This holidays was suppose to be a free time but assignments took over. I'm still stuck in the middle of assignments and still struggling to complete it as soon as possible. Three more to go. I went to Port Dickson for this holidays. I went there just for 2 days. Last Friday and Saturday. We had a lot of fun there. However, I had a high fever last night and still having it now. I am feeling better than yesterday though. I hope to recover soon so that I'll be able to finish my assignments and be prepared to go back to school next Monday. 
      This Saturday is an important day for me. Two many events are gonna take place. One is my best friend's birthday and another is my teacher's wedding!!! Double the fun. I can't wait. I'm very excited for it! I have planed to write only the happy side in this post. Although there are a number of sad stuffs but why keep remembering them, right?  See ya! #MissingMonday