Sunday, 7 December 2014

          I'm at that point of life today that I've a strong feeling that I won't get married. Maybe because marriage is not in my fate. Probably that's why I've fallen in love with someone that I know will never fall in love with me back. Maybe this was all meant to be. Maybe there's no  Mr.Right in my life. Maybe I'm meant to be solitary my whole life. Maybe what Athira said is true that this life is my last life on this freaking painful Earth that so far has given me nothing but sorrow and pain. Sometimes I feel like I'm married to pain. The further I try to get away, the nearer I am to that. It's like it is tied to my heart waiting to stab my heart with a sharp knife every time I smile or giggle. Today I went to a book sale. I saw a book about astrology. I am a Virgo. Reading that book, I've realized a thing. Virgo means 'The Virgin'. There are two ways to define it. One is sexually virgin another means a woman who is independent and live a solitary life without depending on men. Maybe this is the definition of my life. I am 'The Virgin' in both ways. I've never gotten a father's love or any true love from any men. Anyways, I have decided that today onward, I'll never fall in love with anyone again. I've already given my love to him, the one and only. The one that is so different form me. The one I'm not suppose to love in the first place. I'm not hoping to get his love in return because now I'v accepted that my life is meant to be solitary. I'll always pray the best for him like he always ask to. He was a blessing to me. Those moments were such a blessing to me. I will cherish it my whole life. He was my first and will be my last. From now onward, I'll keep a distance from anyone around me. Coz now I fed up and I hate to say this but I give up. Thank you so much, life. Thank you very much. I image myself years from now being in some part of the world, alone. With no one by my side. And I would still be in contact with my family and some close friends from a far distance. Like he said, 'one-sided'. #SolitarySunday

Wednesday, 26 November 2014 (late post)

          If only I had the chance to say goodbye. The only thing said was "malam nie pukul 11.30, K7 tengok movie. Datanglah kalau nak". Hmm.... Memang saya nak sangat datang tapi tadi tak packing lagi. Rasa rugi sebab pergi macam tu je. Well at least this is not what I expected to be. We don't even talk anymore. After this, we may have no chance to even see each other anymore. Probably we will only look at each other by glancing without being noticed by each other. No more eye contact with you. I don't know what to do. I wanna love you so much but I know it will just hurt you. And it might spoil what we have. Although we don't have anything left, but there's still those thinking and staring and glancing at you. I don't wanna lose that. But well today was the last. Looking at you. I can't even cry to you anymore. Worse, I can't even tell you how I feel inside. Never mind, there was never a guarantee that this life is easy anyways. Remember when I first told you I loved you? I cried. Yup, I did. I cried when I realized I fell in love with you. Not because I don't want to but because I knew you would never feel the same inside. All I wish was us being together but even if we can't, I at least hoped for a proper goodbye. Unfortunately, I'm not fortunate enough to even have that. 

*Deep breath*

#WeepyWednesday